Do I Have a Condition, or Am I Conditioning Myself?

Today is World Mental Health Day and I have a thought to share.

For almost 7 years, I've lived with anxiety - specifically, health anxiety. It started when my fiancé died of a heart attack right in front of me.

He was only 33.

🎢 Since then I've seen psychiatrist, psychologist, tried different therapies, started yoga, talked to great specialists, downloaded apps, read countless self-help books, success stories of people who beat anxiety and lived through ups and downs.

Now what I think...I think 7 years later. I was not thinking the same way not even a year ago. It's a new kind of state of mind, still weak, but growing, after all the help, medical checks, guidance, and support I've gone through.

And here it is.

After all these years of putting anxiety on a pedestal higher than myself - Do I actually have a condition, or am I conditioning myself?

This realization came to my mind when I was searching yet another video on YouTube and typed "Background music to lower anxiety".

I realized that for years, every thought, behaviour or decision has gone through the anxiety filter first:

Will this help my anxiety?

Will this calm me down?

Will this make my anxiety worst?

But never: Do I choose to do it because I like it or it's fun or it's just completely normal to do it.

🧘🏼‍♀️I do daily yoga — because it helps with anxiety.

🏃‍♀️‍➡️I go for a run — because it helps with anxiety

And so much more I do - because it helps with anxiety.

If I don't put myself first but all the time live for a condition and identify myself through that by calculating every action weather or not it is suitable for my anxiety..

I mean no surprise it still sits here.

Yesterday I went for a run and said to myself: "I go for a run because I like it. I like to move and since I was a teenager, I've been a pretty okay runner. So I just go."

No big miracle happened. But something was different. I felt it.

💙 Obviously, this is my personal experience but I guess there's hope out there to feel "normal" again.